Here In Lies A Confession

I’m feeling pretty restless today. An impending move makes me unsettled in my house. I don’t really feel at home anymore, it’s more me just waiting to leave, not wanting to get more attached, but not wanting to make everyone around me feel like we’re living in limbo.

These are the days where I don’t feel like making supper, I don’t feel like cleaning, and I could just go back to bed for the day. It’s hard not to do those things when you’re just at home anyway. Whose to stop me from giving up for the day and deciding I’ll just start again tomorrow?

But, I really do have things to do. I really do have things to accomplish. We’ll have a realtor open house here on Wednesday that our basement isn’t ready for, so I need to go down and get started, since it’s really unfair to get Andrew to work on it with me after he’s been at work all day if I haven’t done anything.

My brain sort of feels a little mushy. Like I’m craving a challenge. An adventure. I talk to Caleb, but unfortunately he doesn’t respond. Maybe it is “fortunately” for now, because too many questions might come up if I continue to ramble to Caleb when he can talk.

Once I get going, I know organizing stuff in the spare room will be an adventure. You never know what you’ll find down there. Perhaps I’ll pretend that I’m digging through some abandoned compartment searching for something of value.
I pretend a lot.
I always have. My imagination can be quite vivid, and sometimes I am completely lost in another world, another age, another country. What I am thinking and feeling inside of me can sometimes be so real and so tangible I think the other person close to me must be able to hear what’s going on. I can be baking something and instantly I am standing before many giving a world impacting speech, and then I can be suddenly transported to covering an event as a reporter, or defending a client as a lawyer.
Yes, I’m 22. Yes, I’m married with a child. But I think somethings will never change. Part of me will always long to, for one day, go back to the 1700s and grace a stone mansion in England, clothed in flowing gowns and having my hair done by my attendants, to then have Andrew appear and run with me over hills and through rain until we collapse with exhaustion. It probably wasn’t really that way, but Lizzie sure ran through the rain a lot in Pride & Prejudice, and a heroine was always rescued by a man on a horse when she tripped and sprained her ankle running dramatically through the rain.

Even as I write, this feels as real to me as ever. But it is not. And today I must accomplish the things that must get done. I will be lost among my thoughts, dreams and imaginary things until reality calls me back, usually by way of the baby monitor.

So Lord, will you give me energy, strength, focus and excitement today? Thanks. I kind of need it.

Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

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