Wow, what a crazy week, that turned into a crazier weekend! Looking back over my instagrams from the weekend and fun Facebook status’ about decorating for Christmas and nice family time, I realized I did not accurately portray how I was doing at all. And in some ways, rightly so! The world doesn’t need to know day by day my emotions and current struggles. But as Sunday afternoon rolled around, my perspective was gone. Exhaustion had over taken my body, and I was an emotional wreck.
This past week was a huge challenge for me as my beautiful little boy has not been sleeping well. The old “sleep when your baby sleeps” wasn’t working either, as his naps were hardly long enough to be considered a nap. I felt like I barely survived the week, managing to make it to Friday with three out of five suppers on the table, a relatively intact body and some scraps of sanity that I was looking forward to building upon while my husband was home. Saturday morning was lovely as we set up our tree, spent some time together and relaxed a little (although I was still severely short on sleep). That afternoon something happened in Caleb and he became increasingly whiny, miserable, grumpy, and an exhausted-but-not-willing-to-sleep little man.
Last night we were up every one and a half to two hours as he cried in his sleep. Poor little guy was probably teething, and I felt bad for him. There were definitely a lot of factors that I won’t bore you with, but don’t worry, we weren’t taking him for granted, we had a pretty good idea as to what were causing the issues.
Realizing, for the first time since we had Caleb, we were all way too exhausted to try to rescue our appearances and make it to church, we opted for a stay in your pajamas day, trying to lie down when Caleb settled a bit.
So bringing us back to Sunday afternoon, today. I started having an absolute meltdown. As any of you moms out there know, you get to a point of being so tired your mind starts playing tricks on you. You start forgetting why you’re doing the things you’re doing. You can get angry at this little person that certainly doesn’t mean to be causing all this chaos. Lots of you are jumping up and down inside wanting to tell me “oh Monica, it will all be worth it.” Don’t worry, I know. But in the middle of such extreme exhaustion, even the best of us get beat down. The breaking point for me was trying to get enough milk from myself to mix with Caleb’s cereal, to no avail. Nothing was going my way, Caleb was getting more and more cranky, Andrew was being very patient but surely getting frustrated and I wanted to snap.
Needless to say, we made it to bedtime. As Caleb played calmly in the bath with his Thomas Train, oxytocin flowed through my veins once more and my emotions became intertwined with that amazing little boy. My perspective was returning.
Andrew offered to make sure Caleb went to sleep and I climbed into bubble heaven in my bath tub. Thomas was still floating around from Caleb’s bath. I smiled. What a sweetheart I have. He sure loves play with his bath toys. There is nothing I want more than for our tub to be overtaken with Caleb’s toys, and I would never in a hundred million, billion years desire for my life to be any different.
Resurfacing from a temporary submerging in frustration, anxiety, exhaustion and self-pity, I saw how my joy had escaped me. Yes my circumstances are still the same, and for all I know Caleb will still be up a seemingly endless amount of times tonight – but I love that little guy. Even in my weakest moment God is still giving me strength. Although I didn’t see it, today was completely a picture of that. Our worst day happened when Andrew was home to help me out. The Lord knew what I could and couldn’t handle.
So whatever this week brings for you, may we accept this prayer that Paul prayed in Colossians 1:11-12
We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy always thanking the Father.