Over the last few months, I have surprised myself with how angry I have become in certain moments. I would not have described myself as an angry person, but parenting a child whose personality is beginning to blossom has started bringing out some of the worst in me. I can peg it on hormones, life change, exhaustion, and many other things, but the truth is it comes down to sinful handling of my anger.
Today for example, I just about had a full-blown explosion. Our house sale fell through yesterday, and so we started the cycle of showings again this morning. I was trying to get my son and I backed up and out the door by 9 a.m. so our realtor could have an open house. Every thing I cleaned he would pull out, grim his greasy fingers on it and throw it on the floor. He refused to eat his breakfast, and instead crumbled it all up in his hands and through it exponentially farther than ever before, coating my beautiful clean floors in toast dust.
As we’re about to leave I’m trying to find his sandals, and I’m completely over heated from running around our house which is sitting at about 28 degrees. I’m on the brink of tears from frustration, and I look in the fridge to get the sandwich that was in there for me to take with us. I couldn’t find it. My husband took it to work (which I do not blame him for, since I had it sitting where I would usually have his), and I was still trying to find this ridiculous sandal so I could let Caleb get his energy out at the playground before making him nap in the car.
Let’s just say things did not end well. After yelling at the air, sending a snappy text to my husband about the sandwich, I picked up my shoeless child, slammed the door and stomped out to the car. We pulled away, just to turn around and come back since I forgot my coffee.
Why do I get so angry? How can I be so furious with the ones I love the most, when in reality they haven’t done anything?
This is not earth shattering stuff. Every single person has days like this, where frustrating little things happen. They should not make or break your day.
Thankfully, after a little time in the car cooling down, apologizing to my husband, and cuddling my son, I had the courage to ask God to forgive me for my outbursts.
Honestly, I hate doing that. I am so embarrassed in front of the Lord, even though he is the one who sees the whole thing, and even worse than just seeing it, he hears my inmost thoughts! I cannot hide from him.
Psalm 139:7 says
I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence!
What a gloriously wonderful, yes dauntingly terrifying statement. I can never escape his love, mercy and forgiveness, yet I can never hide my sin from this holy and awesome God.
Today’s Focus on the Family broadcast ended up being all about helping mom’s deal with anger. Turns out I’m not alone! In fact, toddlers and teens are said to be the most aggravating two groups of kids for moms!
I recognized today that I need to start confronting how I handle my anger and frustrations head on. God’s timing is so good. He brings conviction to our hearts, and then offers an avenue of hope and healing.
I’m not proud of my actions lately, but I hope my transparency can be related to. I’m going to be getting my hands on the book “She’s gonna blow!” by Julie Barnhill (today’s guest on Focus on the Family) and gain some wise counsel on this subject.
Parenting has already been way more challenging than I could have imagined, and I hope to stay aware of red flags that I’m seeing in myself now, so that my husband and kids don’t have to live with the current me forever!
May I be ever on the path towards this spirit filled description:
But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.