Exactly one week ago today I wrote a blog post about Fearing God. In it I said that I don’t truly understand what it means to fear God, and that I was going to go on a journey of seeking out understanding. I prayed a prayer that God would reveal to me what it meant. Last night he answered by way of a dream that has changed my entire life. I won’t ever be the same. And if I start slipping back to how I have been, I’ll read this over and over until I have new revelation.
Here’s the dream. It’s a bit intense.
Caleb and I are sitting on his bed (he must have been a tiny bit older since we were on a toddler bed) reading some books. I had this instant knowledge that life was different. For some reason I was dying, but I didn’t know what from. I was treasuring this moment with my son, knowing somehow that it could be one of my last.
Then all at once I knew my time had come. I was at death’s door. Swirls of what seems like dark green and blue light circles started coming towards me. No one else could see them, only I could, and they were symptoms of death. I knew that once they all came upon me, I would move from this life into eternity.
The first one hit and I jumped up from the bed. I was overcome with the most hearwrenching cry from within the very depth of my soul. I yelled out;
“LORD, MAY I HAVE SERVED YOU WELL HERE!”
I was completely taken by two feelings at the same time. One was an overwhelming excitement that I was about to see the Lord. The second was this horrific fear that I was about to stand before him and give an account for my life.
All the situations came to my mind in a flash of times I wasted my life in not living whole heartedly for the Lord.
Over and over all I could cry out was “may I have served you well on earth, may I have served you with my whole life.” This went on for a long time with this same fear and wonder. My heart, facing death was desperate to know if I had served him well.
Then I looked and saw a swirl heading to me, and I knew I was about to be hit with my brain shutting down. I tried to turn the door knob on the room but my body was already too stiff. Instantly the door was like transparent glass and I saw Andrew sitting on the couch. I tried to speak, but no words could come from my mouth anymore. I managed to sign “I love you” to him. I saw on his face that he knew I was leaving them. I was ok though. I loved them but my hearts question was did I serve the Lord well.
Even writing this down, I am overwhelmed with tears. This dream was the most real thing I have ever experienced that was not actually real.
I looked away from Andrew, and then back to my son, as my body very softly fell to the ground, with a last intense cry asking the Lord if I had served him well, knowing I would soon see him face to face.
Heat and stillness crept over my entire body as death finally overtook me.
Then I woke up. My body was hot, and a numbness held me completely captive. I was terrified to open my eyes, expecting to be in heaven.
Instead I heard my husband snoring beside me. I saw the faint light of a street lamp streaming into our window. I reached for my phone to check the time. 2:05 a.m. September 25th, 2012. I had to remember to the date and time of the event that would forever change my life.
I lay in bed hardly breathing, not moving, overcome with the intense emotion of what I had just experienced. Then it clicked in my mind. That is what it is to fear the Lord. He had shown me. I had experienced the delicate balance of joyfully wanting to meet the Lord, yet the fear that comes from standing before his awesome holiness.
You may be thinking, ok crazy dream, but why won’t you ever be the same? In my dream I realized the moments that I had wasted in not giving glory to God throughout my daily life. I didn’t so much see missed opportunities, as I saw that I didn’t always do everything I did as unto the Lord. I wasn’t always serving Him.
I now understand at least a glimpse of the feelings just prior to meeting Jesus, and I want to be sure that I don’t let him down. I don’t want to be comfortable with simply salvation. I want to stand before the Lord and have him say:
“Well done, my good and faithful servant.”