*Eli’s birth photos are courtesy of my amazing Corina Riley, who was not only my doula, but captured these stunning pictures, moments I will treasure forever.*
We knew Eli was going to be our last baby from the start. There was no accident in the eighteen month age difference between the him and Amayah.
We wanted more than two kids. Andrew and I both enjoyed multiple siblings, and all the two kids families I babysat seemed to fight more.
After Amayah, the thought of another pregnancy, another birth and potentially another colicky newborn terrified me to no end.
So we made a brave (or stupid) decision to fast track our family and have the last one right away and move on.
My first months being pregnant with Eli were so depressing. I cried all the time, wondering why on earth I had done this to myself – all day sickness and a daughter that didn’t sleep?
It’s funny how a year can fly by just like that and the little boy that I questioned if I should have conceived, has been one of the brightest lights in my life since the beautiful day he came.
There are many reasons why we can’t go through with having another baby, some too personal for even a blogger to share.
But as my baby boy grows at lightening speed, the reality is hitting me.
No more newborns.
That sentence alone can draw tears from my eyes.
When I think about that part my heart aches – it’s such a short season.
I will miss that feeling of extreme pain to extreme joy, and the awe and wonder of a new life.
I will miss the soft cuddliness of a new baby that can hardly move and the thrill of showing a new baby off to older siblings.
All the parts that sadden me the most are over in a few short weeks.
After I had Caleb I thought there was no way that we would get the three kids we wanted. Pregnancy was so hard, and birth so difficult, I believed there was no way we could go through the process again.
But we did. Two more times. And that was the bravest thing I have ever done in my life.
Getting pregnant the first time we were excited and naive, but the following two babies took all the courage I could muster to commit to carrying another life.
I wouldn’t trade my three precious children for anything in the world.
I’m reminded of a Daniel Tiger rhyme: That was fun, but now we’re done. It’s time to say goodbye.
Well parts weren’t so fun, and now we’re done, so I’m letting myself say goodbye to that stage of my life that came so slow and left so fast.
I thank Jesus for the privilege of allowing me three incredible experiences to carry and then birth my babies with no drugs and great skin to skin bonding.
I thank Jesus for a husband who stood by me the whole way through, and continues to loves me even though he saw me at my worst, three times.