Gun Shy

Have you ever experienced that feeling of spilling your guts or sharing your heart and then wanting to run and hide forever?

I feel like I probably have to re introduce myself. It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged. It’s been a crazy semester with a big renovation, move and out of province trip.

But honestly, I don’t think that’s why I haven’t written.

Something happened that made me a little gun shy. I can’t even pin point what, but the last thing I’ve wanted to do is share my heart with anyone.

For some reason, the Lord always calls me to be more transparent, open and vulnerable.

I guess in some ways I’ve been like Jonah. God called him to go to Ninevah, and he tried to run and hide.

I have words that flood into me and I say to the Lord “you don’t really want me to share that, right? Haven’t I plastered my life around enough?

But the nudge from the Holy Spirit never leaves.

Write.

Write.

Write.

So here I am, in the middle of a 3 day detox program that’s left my with a brutal headache, a maddening sugar craving and the realization that I need to get back on track in a few areas of my life.

And yes, sharing my life, my thoughts, my journey is one of those areas, even though I want to run and hide from that call.

To start off a recommitment to this lifestyle of an open heart, I will tell you this has been one of the hardest few months of my life in regards to anxiety.

For some reason the last push through our house project almost sent me over the edge. I put on a good front when I needed to, and tried my best to not look like I was feeling.

I was exhausted to my core on every level in a way I had never experienced.

To make it all worse, my job of “pastor” hung over me like a sick joke. I believed lies that told me “how can you speak into anyone’s life if you’re such a mess right now.”

As I write now, I realize a lot of this started after my husband and I shared our story about porn. We received such an incredible amount of feedback, I moved from feeling encouraged to completely overwhelmed and like there was no way we could help everyone.

My desire to run and hide has just kicked in as I know that many people will feel the need to tell me that I can’t help everyone and I just need to pray for them.

I know.

But when you hear so many stories of so much brokenness and despair, it’s pretty near impossible for someone like me to turn off the compassion and walk away.

But the call to transparency remains to great, and I will write what God shows me, and I will, to the best of my ability, share the deep places of my heart and trust that even though I’d rather not lay it all out there sometimes, that the Lord knows what he is doing.

Here’s to the journey! Ever so perfectly imperfect.

 

Monica