This is called a heart dump.
This is where I sit and say “Lord, I know what’s in my heart, but I don’t know how to say it” and then he says to just let it pour.
September, you’ve been incredible. I have never experienced so many emotions as my children step out and try to new things. I’ve never been so concerned about how I structure my evenings and my mornings as the last few weeks.
I had one slip up last week and it threw my kindergartener for such a loop he had a panic attack and couldn’t go to school. All because he was unprepared, we were unorganized and everything spiralled from there.
In some ways I’ve felt like the Proverbs 31 woman, organizing her days, rising early to prepare food for her family, ensuring they are taken care of, working, loving, serving. That has felt fulfilling.
But I’ve also felt breathless. Like I’m running and running without much time to slow down.
Yet, I know that it takes the machine a while to get going and once it is, it’s a smooth process. September and January are those “start up months”.
While transitioning our kids, my mothering, our work schedules and our ministry, something felt has empty in our marriage. Perhaps, like we hadn’t transitioned it to the fall schedule.
I know if I’m feeling it that others of you are too.
Stop. Breathe. Take inventory. What’s going on?
I feel rushed.
I feel like we haven’t talked.
I feel like when we talk I’m too tired to say what I want to.
I’m falling asleep the moment I crawl into bed (last night was 9 p.m.)
Babysitters are booked and trips are planned months in advanced, but they are all for work, teaching and speaking.
We are passing ships.
A common goal, but lacking the heart-to-heart connection.
Where’s the guy I signed up to do life with?
I know he’s asking where his exhausted wife is.
You know what? It’s ok to name what’s happening. In fact, it’s vital to name what your feeling or you will drift apart over years of caring for kids and careers.
This doesn’t mean you are selfish or discontent, but it means you aren’t willing to settle for a heartless marriage. Or as a dear friend puts it, a joyless marriage.
In the naming, the breathing, the sharing with God and my husband I heard a resounding message “take heart, heart. Transition with this and it will just be a bump in the road.”
How do I transition?
Well for us, we believe there are always solutions. Being too tired or too busy to be together is simply not an option. Ever. But especially right now. Not with three little people whose whole world depends on the stability of our home.
So we pray. We ask God. We lay it as his feet and say “you brought us together for every season of our life, so what’s the solution”.
He has never failed us. Today, I wait for his answer.
‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one,let no one split apart what God has joined together.”
It’s through the naming and the heart dump that I realize the foundation of who we are together is still rock solid.
A picture is worth a thousand words here. Andrew showed me great kindness taking on my Monday grocery trip when I was severely “peopled out”.
So I made him an apple pie.