What do you do when your brave is shaken and everywhere you look are reminders of the last time you were courageous?
How do I move on when obedience turned to heartache and faithfulness turned to unimaginable pain?
When you have signs that say to “be brave, take risks, have courage and seek adventure”, and you have to take them off your wall because the reminder causes you to choke on your own breath and you want to go to sleep and wake up to find that everything is fixed and the nightmare is over.
I go a few hours forgetting of the weeks I spent in the arctic. And then I grab something out of the pantry and find the baby bottle cooler.
Tears. Again. How did this happen?
The statements of “something better will come” mean absolutely nothing when you have spent every single cent you could gather and moved out in faith and came up empty-handed. People don’t just jump into another private adoption again. We waited years for that moment. Saying it wasn’t meant to be feels like saying to someone who had a stillborn child that they weren’t meant to live. You wouldn’t do it.
My heart is gaping and I can’t comprehend why things have happened the way that they did. Other adoptive parents have comforted me with the words: there is no pain like losing a child who is still out there.
It’s unique, it’s crushing and it’s confusing. I know every single reason why she was going to be adopted. They swirl in my mind everyday and I wonder if she’s safe.
I cry, I pray, I move on. I find a sleeper, I cry, I pray, I move on. I find a blanket, I cry, I pray, I move on. I hear my daughter explain the situation to a neighbour child. I cry. I can’t move on today.
Today it hurts. Today it cuts deep. Today I am tired from gathering my courage to go out and move on. Today I just throw my red eyes, aching muscles and shattered dreams at the feet of Jesus and breathe Psalm 56 in and out, over and over.
When I am afraid to step out, feeling like I’ve lost confidence in my decisions, I go back to square one and learn to trust.
“Trust and obey, for there’s no other way, to be happy in Jesus, then to trust and obey.”
I have to get back to basics. I can’t over think it. Just trust and obey.
You’ve kept track of all my wandering and my weeping.
You’ve stored my many tears in your bottle—not one will be lost.
For they are all recorded in your book of remembrance.
The very moment I call to you for a father’s help
the tide of battle turns and my enemies flee.
This one thing I know: God is on my side!
I trust in the Lord. And I praise him!
I trust in the Word of God. And I praise him!
What harm could man do to me?
With God on my side I will not be afraid of what comes.
My heart overflows with praise to God and for his promises.
I will always trust in him.
So I’m thanking you with all my heart,
with gratitude for all you’ve done.
I will do everything I’ve promised you, Lord.
For you have saved my soul from death
and my feet from stumbling
so that I can walk before the Lord
bathed in his life-giving light.
Psalm 56:8-13 TPT
When grief clouds the heart, scripture has to flood the soul. God is on my side, I will not be afraid of what comes.