Somehow we’ve crossed the mid way point in November. Time just continues to move on and as my seven year old said: Wow, we are just growing up so fast! I wish we could press pause.
Funny thing is, I never felt that way as a child. Time seemed to move so slowly and I remember thinking each New Year’s Eve how long that seemed to take.
But things are different now. Even for children time moves fast. This is part of why I have decided to continue on with homeschooling. I spent the first few years of my mothering wondering how I would make it through to suddenly crossing a threshold of time that screamed: how did we get here?
Even now I sit at my table, the house quiet with my babies at their grandparents and the clock ticks on. Tick – tock. Tick – tock. Tick – tock.
It’s methodical sound reminds me that it stops for no one and pauses for nothing. In the same “tick” life may come and life may leave and in the “tock” hope restored or a heart devastated.
Oh I’m not meaning to sound so melancholy. On the contrary, these revelations from my last year have led me to push deeply into the hope of Christ. Hope that goes beyond the sadness of the heart or even the joy that comes.
It’s no secret this has been a hard year. At the start of 2018 I asked God for a word for the year. He told me two things:
- You don’t know what’s coming.
- You need to focus on the nest.
These things could not have been more true. This year side swiped me on so many levels. I had no idea the things that were coming, I had hoped they were good things, but so many were painful. Yet with the encouragement to focus on my nest and keep that the priority, we transitioned through them a lot smoother.
Grace upon grace, upon grace, upon grace.
I started the year on a sabbatical to recover from burn out. I had fizzled right out starting our business and moving twice. After recovering from that our son started to face some big challenges and God asked me to be brave and trust him that I could homeschool.
Homeschooling turned out the be the greatest gift and ever layer I have unwrapped has been more exciting than the next, but it did set off a chain reaction of two things that were painful:
- An unexpected resignation at the church. Andrew and I had co-pastored for nearly four years and suddenly that was done.
- I would be working at my shop less and hiring more people to run it, shooting our costs through the roof during an already delicate new business stage.
And then of course the call for adoption. In those months it seemed to be the missing puzzle piece. It made sense of the clearing away of my schedule and the settling back at home.
But thousands and thousands of dollars later, and so many more days away from my children than I ever want to know again, I was empty-handed.
Do you ever have questions? Yeah, me too.
Lord, I was brave. I gave you my yes. I know that you are doing something deep and incredible, because you don’t string me along to break my heart. Something is going on here greater than I can see. I won’t stop believing.
And yet as I move on, it feels like a melancholy movie, like a Romeo and Juliet where no one and nothing is in place at the right time. After the adoption falling through we realized our hearts have been expanded to foster babies. It’s the cry of our heart to do this. And yet when we stepped out to do it, we found we can’t be approved until our basement renovation is complete, which has been held up by…you guessed it, spending all that money to go to Nunavut. Yet without going to Nunavut, we wouldn’t have hearts burning to foster.
Sometimes the complex conflict in my heart is enough to make me weep and laugh. I’m so grateful for the heart I have after this pain, yet so deeply grieved by the pain itself.
Guys, I’m not complaining. I’m being real. You need to know what this has been like because I’ve had too many people say that everything falls into place for me. I’ve tried to encourage others and heard so often “well if I had your husband, or your energy, or your favour…”
And while I hope and I’m praying my faith remains simple through everything, I’ve heard the excuses for giving up, and I’m going to be honest, I feel like I have those same ones. But we can’t do it. We can’t give up and we can’t make excuses. So many lives hang in the balance. Our maximum impact on the world lies on the other side of sticking this out.
We can’t stop believing that God is for us. Life is not simple. I may have thought it was at one point. But I am convinced the only way to make it through our complex and complicated lives is through intimate relationship with a concrete and constant Saviour.
As I look toward this Christmas season, I am preparing myself to actively let go of an extremely difficult, yet a simultaneously greenhouse-like year as I look at the growth in my life.
I know in my heart that God looks at all the missed opportunities, conflicting time lines, financial difficulties, broken dreams and flurry of questions and he sees the most beautiful painting, the greatest story, a patchwork quilt that will one day tell a more completed version of His great faithfulness.
Great is Thy faithfulness,” O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.
Perhaps this year has been one of more questions than answers and more heartache than joy. Or perhaps you relate to the bizarre ebb and flow of joy and pain that I’ve found myself in.
I feel the Holy Spirit calling us to let go of our disappointments. But it isn’t an immediate throwing down. It’s an invitation to let go over Christmas. To allow the simplicity of the gospel and the beauty of a saviour sent to earth as a baby, to renew our hope again.
Don’t be discouraged if you can’t dream yet or if the goals aren’t coming or the inspiring words haven’t been released for 2019. Just let go, and let hope flood your soul.
From there, I believe we will see our dreams take flight. We will know the steps to take. We will be in a place of greater courage to face the unknowns.
This is my life song right now. Let it revive your heart this Saturday.