Here In Lies A Confession

I’m feeling pretty restless today. An impending move makes me unsettled in my house. I don’t really feel at home anymore, it’s more me just waiting to leave, not wanting to get more attached, but not wanting to make everyone around me feel like we’re living in limbo.

These are the days where I don’t feel like making supper, I don’t feel like cleaning, and I could just go back to bed for the day. It’s hard not to do those things when you’re just at home anyway. Whose to stop me from giving up for the day and deciding I’ll just start again tomorrow?

But, I really do have things to do. I really do have things to accomplish. We’ll have a realtor open house here on Wednesday that our basement isn’t ready for, so I need to go down and get started, since it’s really unfair to get Andrew to work on it with me after he’s been at work all day if I haven’t done anything.

My brain sort of feels a little mushy. Like I’m craving a challenge. An adventure. I talk to Caleb, but unfortunately he doesn’t respond. Maybe it is “fortunately” for now, because too many questions might come up if I continue to ramble to Caleb when he can talk.

Once I get going, I know organizing stuff in the spare room will be an adventure. You never know what you’ll find down there. Perhaps I’ll pretend that I’m digging through some abandoned compartment searching for something of value.
I pretend a lot.
I always have. My imagination can be quite vivid, and sometimes I am completely lost in another world, another age, another country. What I am thinking and feeling inside of me can sometimes be so real and so tangible I think the other person close to me must be able to hear what’s going on. I can be baking something and instantly I am standing before many giving a world impacting speech, and then I can be suddenly transported to covering an event as a reporter, or defending a client as a lawyer.
Yes, I’m 22. Yes, I’m married with a child. But I think somethings will never change. Part of me will always long to, for one day, go back to the 1700s and grace a stone mansion in England, clothed in flowing gowns and having my hair done by my attendants, to then have Andrew appear and run with me over hills and through rain until we collapse with exhaustion. It probably wasn’t really that way, but Lizzie sure ran through the rain a lot in Pride & Prejudice, and a heroine was always rescued by a man on a horse when she tripped and sprained her ankle running dramatically through the rain.

Even as I write, this feels as real to me as ever. But it is not. And today I must accomplish the things that must get done. I will be lost among my thoughts, dreams and imaginary things until reality calls me back, usually by way of the baby monitor.

So Lord, will you give me energy, strength, focus and excitement today? Thanks. I kind of need it.

Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Moving Again, Part Two: The Next Step

Last night we went and looked at an apartment. After we put our house up for sale God revealed the next step like He promised. While we were praying about it, God told us to contact a couple we know and ask about where they live. We did, and then we went to look at the place. The couple themselves have a really cute apartment that’s nicely renovated. I was quite excited thinking, although it would be downsizing, it’s a really cute place.

When we got to look at the place, the one we looked at had tenants that seemed almost like hoarders. The place was really gross. I handed Caleb to Andrew as I knew he’d probably hold on tighter as we maneuvered around lots of junk, garbage, and other things. We could tell the landlord was embarrassed. This apartment hadn’t under gone renovations yet either, and it was in general an extremely disheartening experience.

Talking outside afterwards the elderly man shared how his wife was dying of cancer and had only a few months to live. Our hearts instantly broke for him. Inside of me, I felt selfish desire and compassion wage war. I didn’t want to move into this apartment I just looked at. I didn’t want to give up my dishwasher, my open kitchen, our yard and our extra space for company. But I knew the Lord wanted us to be available to love this man, maybe bring him food to bless him, or pray with him and his wife.

Walking back into our house last night I had mixed emotions. I knew there was no question. We’d be moving to that apartment when our house sold. I reminded myself of what I wrote about before in terms of sacrifice, and how this was no sacrifice, maybe inconvenient, but not sacrifice. I guess when the Lord gives me a revelation, He also tests me in it. But I still hold that it’s true.

There is a chance that we’ll get a renovated apartment, and I will pray that we do, since, as a dear friend told me today, “it isn’t wrong to want a dishwasher”! But if on the move day I find that we aren’t moving into a newly renovated place, and I’m down to a tiny kitchen with one sink, I’m so glad God has given me a glimpse into the purpose for this move. I’m sure you’re reading this and thinking, “wow she sure is making a big deal out of moving”, but you just need to realize how much this doesn’t make sense, and how extremely suddenly God has called us from a place we thought we’d be in for five or so years. I know that this is really just the tip of the iceberg. We know deep in our hearts something in our lives is about to explode open. God is working. He’s doing something in us.

I’m so thankful that no matter what, I don’t journey alone. My beautiful little family go as one. We’ll make any house a home. We can take anything and turn it into something beautiful, simply by love. I believe that is how the Father looks at us. He can take us, and love us into something beautiful, something He can use, a tool in His hand.

Our lives really aren’t about us. They’re about who we impact, who we touch, who we love. This is starting to get really exciting, and now I’m just hoping our house sells really soon so we can get busy in our new place and hopefully impact our new area for Christ.

Tiny Fingers

With one hand he clutched me tightly, and with the other he gently touched my face. I felt his tiny fingers run over my cheeks, tickle my forehead, and graze my eyelids, sending chills down my spine. He seemed captivated for a moment by me. So curious and so trusting. It was a moment froze in time, as I burned into my memory each detail of his little face and the feeling of those miniature hands. Tears filled my eyes as he held my gaze and stroked my cheek. He kept looking at me with his enourmous, gorgeous almost green eyes and gave me his beautiful smile that will always melt my heart.

Caleb, I love you. More than you’ll ever know. I’ll always treasure the times I am enjoying just with you. My firstborn, you’ve been able to have my undivided attention for the majority of your short life. I’m so thankful God chose you to fill my days. We won’t be Mama and Caleb, together forever like the song I made up for you says, but forever these moments will be bottled up and stored in my heart, to be treasured when your fingers aren’t quite so tiny and your face turns from a little cutie baby boy to my handsome grown son. I always find with you Caleb, that if I’ll be quiet and watch and listen, you’ll talk to me and explore your surroundings. I just need to maintain eye contact with you, then you fill me in on what you’ve just experienced. I wonder if that will be what we’re like later in life. If I give you a chance to speak, will you pour out your heart to me? Will you come back from new places and be excited to share it? I’m sure there will be times when I won’t be cool to you, and you’ll try to keep things from me. That will break my heart in the moment I know, but I’ll always pray for you, always love you, always believe that God has great things your life, and of course, I’ll always be here for you.

Moving Again – Another Chapter Finishing

About a month ago my husband told me that he had this weird feeling we were supposed to sell out house.

“WHAT?” I was shocked. We just moved in it felt like, I just got settled, I’m still finding stuff from our last move! We brought our first baby home here, we can’t leave yet! That just couldn’t be God.

Andrew didn’t bring it up for a while and I prayed to God that if this was Him speaking, that I’d have peace about disrupting our nest and re-doing all the work that a move brings with it.

Last week God was speaking so much to us. He gave me personally really detailed instructions on some things that I’m supposed to accomplish. I was already feeling some “pressure”, but a good kind that motivates you and pushes you on. On Sunday morning we felt that we needed some prayer for protection over our family, so we went up to the altar at church and had a couple pray over us. While they were praying God spoke to Andrew clearly and said that we needed to sell our house as soon as possible.

On our way home from church Andrew dropped the bomb.
“God told me we need to sell our house, and sell it right away.” I can’t say that this time I wasn’t overwhelmed, or that I didn’t cry, but I felt God’s presence settle over me and peace wash over my whole body. I knew that this was God’s leading. I didn’t understand why, nor did we have any idea of the next step, but we had to be obedient.

Over that last couple of days I’ve had major mood swings with the whole thing. I’ve gone from complete elation from the excitement of the unknown and the adventure to come, to being deeply overwhelmed at packing up our whole house, and walking through the process of trying to sell it.

At one point I actually said to God “this isn’t fair for you to ask me to do all this with a little baby!”. Well if that isn’t an outrageous statement. I have again been enlightened to see my own selfishness. All around the world currently, and throughout history, lovers of Jesus have had to make big sacrifices, take huge steps of faith and suffer greatly for the cause of Christ. Really, God asking me to maybe downsize and move to smaller place for the time being is hardly a sacrifice. The unknown of finding a place in Regina, Saskatchewan isn’t as daunting as being told to sell everything and drive your whole family across the country to start a church as Pastor Rick Warren of Saddleback Church did (his obedience resulting in blessing as he pastors one of the largest churches in America). Or the disciples of old in the Early Church being tortured and imprisoned because they were obedient to the Lord directing them to “go and make disciples of all the nations”.

Two days after telling the Lord we would follow Him wherever He led us, He is already opening doors and showing us how He is really using this time as an opportunity to bless us for the future and prepare us for things to come.

So although this definitely has been an obedience test for us, and has involved faith to step out when we still don’t see the whole picture, I can’t call it sacrifice. I still will lack nothing in my life. Even if I live somewhere smaller, or we go back to renting an apartment for the time being, I will still have the love and joy of my family. We will be warmer, safer and more comfortable than most of the world. Each morning the coffee pot will start brewing, we’ll have friends and family grace our home, and we’ll be nestled in the indwelling presence of God that we ask to fill each place we live.

Truly, each step of the way, with each chapter written in my life, I realize more how the Lord’s blessings and mercies abound to us. Even if I am not really losing anything, or if I am truly going without, I hope that when I stand before the Lord He will look at me and say that I was always obedient to His voice.

Big Marbles

Okay before I come across sounding like I have everything figured out, I just want to say that I have talked to a lot of “first time moms” like myself who have had a hard time feeling like they’re moving from “surviving” to “thriving”. I have been praying for wisdom a lot because I’ve really needed some extra help in managing my marriage, my baby, my house and myself. I want to share with you the strategy God has given me. Honestly – I did not come up with this, the Lord really has given me really practical advice that I want to share, and I hope it speaks to more people than just first time moms. Also, I do not always live up to this and I know this will adapt and change as more children are added to the picture. However, I know there is less peace in our home when I don’t keep these 7 commitments. Each persons commitments might be different, but I hope that by me being transparent about mine, I empower you to evaluate your schedule and hopefully move from a place of scrambling to get everything done, to maybe even enjoying the moments you spending cleaning, cooking, etc.

In Master’s Commission, Pastor Rob Reimer would often talk about an analogy of big marbles. Picture a large jar. If you had a bunch of varying sized marbles, sand and water, and you needed to most effectively fit it into the jar, how would you do it? Does the order you place all these things make a difference? The answer is, yes. Most definitely. When you fit the “big marbles” in first, the smaller ones settle right into the empty spaces, then the tiny ones, and so on. You can look at the jar and think its full of marbles, but pour sand in and it fill ups every tiny crevice. Add water on top of that and it can soak right in to that sand. The jar has been most efficiently used for space.

Now apply that to our lives. If we get the big marbles put in first, we will then have time to fit the smaller, less important things. Subsequently, if we fill up the jar with the sand, little marbles and water, we will not have any room for the big marbles. How we prioritize our time is vital to moving from “surviving to thriving”.

Consider these my “Big Marbles”:

Monica’s 7 commitments that lead to a peaceful week

1. My Relationship with Christ – I am first and foremost committed to my relationship with Jesus. I will love, serve and seek Him regardless of any other circumstance in my life.

2. My Husband – I am then committed to my husband. I made a life long commitment to him in the presence of God, before having my baby, and I am committed to encouraging, loving and helping him.

3. My Baby – I am committed to ensuring that my baby has a peaceful, loving home and that he is taken care of very well. I will try to take opportunities to play with him, talk with him and read to him before chores and cooking. His needs go before my own.

DISCLAIMER: Though I wholeheartedly believe that in God’s eyes my husband comes before my son, if you have a hard time with the concept, think of it as if you want to put your baby first then you’ll put your husband first. The best gift your child can have is an intact family.

4. Our ministry and church family – I am committed to helping and encouraging others in ways that I can. We as a family are committed to the Student Leadership Program and the Regina Apostolic Church. I may not be as involved as I have been in the past, but my commitment has not wavered.

5. Personal growth – For me this comes in the form of listening to programs like Focus on the Family, blogging to help me process what I’m learning and going through, reading encouraging and uplifting books.

6. A weekly meal plan –  This is not a commitment to cooking daily! This is a commitment to plan out meals so that I am not scrambling. I can then plan ahead to cook enough for leftovers on certain days during busy weeks. When I commit to this, I save money on my grocery bill because my shopping is more organized and my week is way less stressful.

7. I am committed to my daily, weekly and monthly chores – This is not a commitment to having a spotless house. That is completely unrealistic. This is a commitment to my cleaning schedule that ensures that by doing a couple of chores a day I am staying on top of what needs to be done in my home. (I did not implement this until Caleb was 3 months old).

Thanks to multi tasking I can accomplish some of these things at the same time. While Caleb is having a nap I might turn on Focus on the Family while I accomplish my “Monday Monthly Chore” of more extensive dusting. Or I spend time in worship while I do my weekly Wednesday chore of cleaning out the fridge. You can get creative!

I have found my life has become much more manageable when broken down. When I fit these big marbles in, everything else falls into place.

One baby + Two Needles = ?

It’s a process that for the most part every mom will walk through with their baby. Immunizations. Today we just finished our second round of them. The first time we went and I sat in the chair and held Caleb tightly to myself. It seemed like the most cruel thing, cuddled safe in your mom’s arms to be stabbed with two painful needles. As he screamed, the tears flow in heavy streams down my cheeks. He stopped crying shortly after, but I could not pull myself together. The nurse laughed and told Caleb “you did better than mommy!”. That whole day every time I remembered his face or that shriek from the needle I would start crying all over again. My heart truly was broken. All I wanted was for them to give me the needle instead, and maybe it could transfer through my milk, or something, anything but my baby going through that.

Round two came today and I cried all the way from the house to the clinic and cried in the clinic waiting for our turn, as a tragic Rascal Flatts song played in the background. I felt like I was leading Caleb to the slaughter. After all, he trusts me, we’re basically inseparable, he recognizes my tones, my faces, even my feelings, and I know all of his. While watching his sleepy eyes look up at me as his soother rhythmically moved up and down in his mouth, the guilt piled higher and higher.

We got to the room and went through the appointment and the time arrived for the injections to be given. I held him tightly to myself and was very honest with him about what was going to happen.
“Remember honey, mommy loves you so much, that’s why we’re doing this. Mommy’s going to hold you through it all and do everything possible to reduce your pain”.
His big eyes looked up at me as though he understood something was about to happen. He cried when they went in, but probably only for a moment. I was so proud of him I didn’t even have a chance to cry myself.
“What an amazing boy you are Caleb!” I exclaimed, “so brave and so strong.”

Thankfully these experiences quickly become life lessons. I heard the Lord whisper to me “that was my heart for my son”. In a very well-known verse in the bible, John 3:16 it says

“For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.” (emphasis mine)

I cannot even begin to imagine the pain and heartache that God had to go through as he watched his one and only Son go through torture and death. Even though God can see the end from the beginning, he still loved his son immensely and it broke him that this had to happen. I can’t understand it, but I’m sure glad it happened. This is the ultimate example of “short-term pain for long-term gain”. Jesus had to suffer cruelly at the hands of men so that we, YOU and I, could not perish but live forever with him as sons and daughters of God. For God so loved the world, so loved us, that he sacrificed the one he loved because it was the only way to bring forgiveness of sins by a true, pure sacrifice.

Many people have often said to me “the immunizations are always harder on the moms than the babies”. And while death by crucifixion is the more horrific that anything I can imagine, watching my son go through that would be worse than me myself going through it. God put himself through great emotional torture, intense pain and sadness for the sake of you and I. The God of all the universe must have wept profusely. I do not want to take that for granted. I do not want to forget the sacrifice that Jesus made for me. I do not want to forget the sacrifice that God the Father gave for me as he walked through the pain of separation from his son.

The second realization I had on the drive home from the clinic is how one positive experience downplays the impact of the first. Meaning, because Caleb’s shots went so much better this time, I am way less traumatized and way less afraid of the future ones. We can become immune to God’s heart for us because Jesus did rise from the dead and he is still alive (and obviously that is the wonderful miracle of our faith, that we can have a personal relationship with a real and living Savior) but we can perhaps lose in that the depth of the love that God has for us. The sacrifice can lose its awe-inspiring qualities because in a sense “everything is ok now”.

If you haven’t experienced Jesus personally, I pray that God’s heart for you would bring you to your knees before him as you recognize the great love that he has for you. As the Son gave so much for us, so did the Father. He is passionate about you living a life that walks in the goodness and blessing he desires for you.

If you know Christ, I pray that my personal realization of the incredible heart of God would draw you deeper into a love relationship with the Father. We need daily revelation of his great love and sacrifice for us to spur us on to persevere and conquer the things in our life that need to be overcome and to be passionate lovers and followers of Jesus Christ. I am so glad that the Lord took my painful equation of a baby and two needles and make it equal a deeper understanding of his love for us.

A Conversation in the Dentist’s Chair

I seem to not be able to do anything or go anywhere without learning a lesson! Today at the dentist I had an interesting situation come up.

My sweet dental hygienist and I were discussing my teeth sensitivity and she asked if I grind my teeth in the night. I told her,
“I don’t think I do, it’s never woken me up.”
“Well don’t you sleep in the same bed as your husband?!” she asked, slightly bewildered, “would he not be able to tell you”.
“HA!”, I said “my husband sleeps right through our baby crying in the night, let alone waking up from my grinding my teeth!”.

A look of astonishment passed over her. Without thinking I had just put down my husband. I didn’t mean to, but I could read it in her eyes, she was not impressed that he didn’t get up in the night with Caleb. Instantly I went to correct what I had said and reinforce that Andrew is a great husband and father. Before I could, in zooms the little tooth scrubber and she goes on to say how I must be stronger than her because she wouldn’t put up with being a “single parent”.

WHAT!!! How did that happen? There was no way to take it back. Anything I said afterwards she kind of laughed at, assuming I was trying to rescue my husband’s reputation with her. I felt so awful. I believe Andrew is an absolutely amazing husband, yes he might be able to sleep through Caleb crying at times, but he also gets up and goes to work hard all day and then comes home, helps with Caleb at our boy’s most grumpy time of the day, and then makes time for me. I at least can find times to rest if I need to, he can’t.

One slip of the tongue, one careless sarcastic comment, and I had tarnished his reputation, and stripped honour from a man worthy of praise.

James 3:5-9 says
The tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself. People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God.

I believe I will watch my careless comments a little closer after that two-minute incident. I would never want anyone for a moment, again,  to doubt the love and respect that I have for my husband.